How to say hello to Japan (Week 1)

1.  Do something expected

Wander around the first of many, many temple complexes in Narita and feel appreciative of the trees, babbling brook, and yummy incense smell. Peek into the temple but don’t go in because you have no idea what’s going on. You don’t even know why people are clapping in front of that other shrine. And you don’t know what you’re actually supposed to do in there. So really act like the ignorant tourist you are and take a goofy picture of yourself in front of the big pagoda. Own it!

2.  Do something unexpected

...Like a reggae festival in the mountains near Kumamoto (Aso Nature Festa)

Camp out for a few days. Scope out the uncommonly relaxed Japanese people in full on hippie dress: Thai fisherman pants, tie-dye, hair wraps, dreads, big crazy floral dresses. Make friends with some sassy hippie kids who give you presents of grasshoppers and tell you a story about a lady who danced around with her top off around 2 am the previous night.

Groove to the mixed bag of talent: a lot of decent reggae bands, ska band in vintage 60s suits, a Japanese family band, snooze-worthy singer songwriters, Dancehall Queen (wearing a flesh colored body suit, jean daisy dukes and an open jean jacket) and an African dance and drum troupe. Be the weirdo foreigners who have a dance party to the DJ set in between bands.

3.  Eat eat eat

Snack on tasty food everywhere you go…including all the convenience stores. (You will never look at 7-11 the same way.) Bentos. Kaiten sushi that arrives on a miniature shinkansen. Rice balls wrapped in meat and cheese. Inari. Raw horse meat sushi (not bad). Balls of fried octopus. Pizza-like treats from the bakery. Soy sauce flavored chips. Taiyaki - like a fish-shaped waffle, filled with custard or red beans. Nom nom nom.


4.  Throw in another festival for good measure

Head to Kumamoto’s Drunken Horse festival, which commemorates some victory over Korea.  Apparently these little black tufts are supposed to be Korean heads!

Learn that the horses are no longer drunk, just feisty and pissed at being marched all over town with a parade of drunken dancers, chanters, drummers and people carrying flags.   When they get extra rambunctious, the horses are spun around in a circle.

Stare at the mix of traditional dress and wild hair and makeup – glitter hairspray, major teasing, big bows, shaved patterns, braids, a whole lot of hair dye and maybe some wigs.  Feel way underdressed and boring.

Even in this craziness, get used to being a spectacle, a gaijin celebrity. The only people who dance and yell and clap loudly as the parade goes by. Give a lot of high fives.

5.  Get on the road

Hop in this cute little box and explore the roads of Misato.  Illiteracy and no GPS means paying attention to landmarks and frequently consulting your hand drawn map.  This is tiring. 

Take way too many pictures of rice paddies and rivers and stone bridges. 

6.  Get obsessed with Japanese children

Visit schools with your English-teaching friend. Experience cross cultural déjà vu at a middle school track practice. They’re hurdling and long jumping and sprinting. Occasionally they’ll come up to you, giggling, and ask you questions in English. What kind of food do you like? Do you have a boyfriend? Why are you here? Find that your answers in English, as you try to use basic words and speak slowly, are much more awkwardly phrased than their questions. Yay!

Learn that elementary school kids are responsible enough to run their own softball practices. And coordinated enough to use stilts and unicycles.

Watch 3-5 year olds practice their taiko drumming, gymnastics, and dance routines. Girls do the hula. Boys do something aggressive looking with tiny plastic swords. Even though the kids are crazy organized and serious as they go through their performance, as soon as it’s over they transform into normal 4 year olds – screaming and jumping and hugging and climbing on your lap. Kawaii overload!

How to say goodbye to LA (Week 2)

1. Caffeinate all over town

When you're about to leave on a multi-month, sort of planned trip and move out of your apartment, you will need a lot of energy. So get coffee. Lots of it. At all times of day.

Get breakfast at old school greasy spoons like Dinah's or Pepy's Galley (which as an added bonus is located in the Mar Vista Bowling alley). Wonder if you will be a cranky old person who eats the same thing at the counter every single day. If you keep eating chilaquiles and bacon every other day, realize you probably won't live as long as these grumps eating poached eggs. Enjoy making your endless refills of diner coffee different each time with those handy flavored creamers.

Walk to your neighborhood Starbucks instead of indulging in the daily afternoon nap of your early unemployment (i.e. last week). Here it is a lovely mix of young scruffy writerly types and old Jewish men. This is the magic of your neighborhood. In a moment of desperation, get coffee at 7-11, but don't be surprised when it's disgusting. Mislabeling Irish Cream as French Vanilla is a major blow to your taste buds.

Be fancy at Urth Caffe. Laugh at the ridiculous size of a Spanish Latte, but of course gobble it all up much too fast. And gobble is the right word because it's somehow more food than drink like -- maybe it's all that condensed milk in it? Sit on the patio and be judgmental of the Hollywood-ness. Instead of enjoying your final moments with your boyfriend, eavesdrop on the next table. It's not because you're a huge jerk. It would be impossible not to listen when the guy starts talking about his "very strong feminine energy" which is frequently mistaken for being gay. And then a very detailed comparison between the various life coaches the two have frequented.

2. Revisit a former hobby

Remember when you loved spinning? You even bought the shoes! So go back to the YAS spinning/yoga studio in Venice that you haven't been to in approximately 2 years. When you call to reserve a space in a spinning class (part of the 10 pack that you purchased in the Spring of '07), be prepared to wait while the receptionist digs through the inactive files. Shamble through some excuses over the phone to explain your hiatus. In class, pick a bike in the corner so you won't be shamed by your slowness and faux resistance dial turning. Even with your purposeful slacking, be prepared for the almost vomit feeling when the class is over. Laughingly compare this to the "workouts" you occasionally do on your own, barely breaking a sweat. Oh, this is what actually working out feels like: shitty.

3. Have some ethnic shopping adventures

Think of this as more "practice," like riding the bus. This is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Go to one of those mini market-cafeteria-restaurant combos, like Aladin Sweets & Market in Los Feliz (Indian/Bengali). You won't really understand how you're supposed to order. So you'll awkwardly hover around the tables, stack of menus, and the food counter/video rental area until someone notices you. There will be food sitting under heat lamps, much of it meat. Order what the lady recommends and don't worry about how long it's been sitting there. Your stomach needs to toughen up, anyway. Eat your mysterious but tasty brown dishes until you're in a meat/rice/fried stuff coma. Finish it out by browsing the market for some impulse treats like sweet toast, tea, and mango bars.

Go to the Elat Market in the afternoon if you feel like getting jostled and elbowed by 4 ft tall old Middle Eastern ladies. It is way crazier in the daytime than early evening – probably because the serious cooks spend all afternoon making dinner from scratch. Use your basket to push through the crowd in the produce section - especially by the fresh herbs. At the butcher, it's less pushing, more yelling. Exchange looks with the Mexican butchers when another little old lady freaks out because she thinks her number was skipped. Notice your American notions of personal space and orderly lines. Now you will actually appreciate your usual ghetto Vons experience for its lack of stress and polite shoppers.


4. Play outside

No matter how uncoordinated you are, go to the Los Feliz 9 hole golf course. There are so many reasons why. It's cheap because it's owned by the city. It was in Swingers. It's next to the scenic LA river. And it is a total joke. By the 2nd hole you will have forgotten to keep score - it is definitely way over 3, that's for sure. Even when your boyfriend surrounds the hole with his feet in a V, you'll miss the putt. It's ok. You'll throw your hand-me-down Wal-Mart golf clubs in mock anger and skip off to the next hole. And the semi-serious golfers around can't get mad at you – you’re wearing a sundress! And they know they need to be at a real golf course to expect real golf etiquette and taking the game seriously.

How to say goodbye to LA (Week 1)

1. Stare down the city

Climb up high (Getty for day and Griffith Observatory for night) and look down at LA's silly squat buildings and ratty palm trees. Enjoy the way the smog seems to enhance the sunset…and then try not to remember that awful statistic you heard which equates X years lived in LA to X years of smoking cigarettes. That one is such a downer.


2. Windowshop like a champion

From Sunset Junction to Abbot Kinney to La Brea, take a stroll through LA's omnipresent boutiques of shiny pretty things you can't afford. If your resolve weakens, mentally compare each tempting item to the cost-per-day in Laos and repeat "I do not know where my next paycheck is coming from."


3. Gorge on cheap ethnic eats

Focus on the non-Asian foods you will miss the most. Go to Merkato to eat tasty Ethiopian food, play with that awesome spongy injera (in my mind it is a sourdough, stretchy crepe), and stare at a ceiling covered in fancy umbrellas. Be so thrilled with the food & cheapness that you won't really care that your tea came a half hour late inside a cracked and leaking plastic beer mug.

Or go to CJ's when you can't decide between Mexican and Southern food for breakfast. Be really proud of your table for hosting catfish & eggs, a side of avocado, and chilaquiles. And while you're at it, try to eat chilaquiles atleast twice a week to make up for the years you wasted your breakfast on huevos rancheros, ignorant of the existence of (let's face it) breakfast nachos.

Also, buy tamarind spoons and spicy garbanzos at the Mexican grocery stores for your in-car snacking needs. Indigestion be damned.

4. Check off the to-do list

Ask yourself: "Where have I always meant to go in LA?"

Answer:

Porto's Bakery
The potato balls and spinach feta pies and cheese pastries will seduce you into thinking you can come back soon. Then, remember you had to drive to Glendale for this and accept that this is your first and probably last visit. So, order more potato balls to make it count.

Los Angeles Indoor Pistol Shooting Range
Have a lovely Friday night date at the shooting range, conveniently located in that really creepy part of the industrial district. But you'll be comforted by the cheerful oldies music in the lobby and the presence of giggling Korean girls in high heels. And then un-comforted by the dude who shoots with just one hand, rapid fire style. Then comforted again that the Gun Club employee who is sweeping up shells has a pretty serious gun holstered up and has his eye on everyone.